🐸 NSFW: Kek the Frog

What's green then red all over and goes 100mph? A frog in a blender...

 

This Story is Not Safe for Work and may contain material that may not be appropriate for some.

 

Story & Art by  Æ Firestone

    Wojak walks into a bar, depressed, wearing a dark hoodie and a black jacket. When he struggled to light up a cigarette, someone asked, “Need a light friend?”

It was the bartender, but he wasn’t an ordinary one - he was a frog man. When he kindly offered him a lighter, the depressed man noticed the smirk on his face, like he had seen him before. Then he realized it was the same frog he met in the alley.

“It’s you!”

“Yes, it’s me!”

When Wojak finally lit his cigarette and took a deep breath in and out, the frog asked, “What can I get you
, friend?”

“A Jack Torrance please.”

As the frog gave him a glass of whiskey, the pale man asked, “What’s your name?”

“Kek.”

“That’s a strange name.”

“It’s not my real one.”

“Where are you from?”

“Kekistan.”

“Wow, a Kekistani, you’re long ways from home. What’s a frog like yourself doing here in this shit hole?”

“It’s a long story…”

“I’m all ears. I got nothing to do, I’ll be here all night.”

“Very well…

 

A long long time ago, in a place far far away, a kingdom called Kekistan. It was mostly a peaceful society, with low crime, low poverty, and no immorality.

We Kekistanis respected each other and helped one another.

Everything was normal, until one day, a group of blue elephants arrived near the gate of our border. They asked for refuge from their homeland, claiming they sought a better life. At first customs and citizens rejected their claim but our king granted them refuge, which was a shock to all of us.

At first, everything was alright and most of my people stayed away from them until they started their own businesses. They were talented merchants and instantly became rich with their exotic merch. They quickly became rich within the next five years, they finally bought their way to our banks and became bankers. Some of them even got jobs in our treasury department.

With their power and influence, they’d persuaded the king to let more blue elephants inside our kingdom for refuge. The king granted permission, our politicians welcomed the refugees, and the whole people of the Kekistan were shocked.

So, he allowed hundreds of elephants per year to enter our borders. With their increasing numbers they quickly got control of our jobs, businesses, bars, schools, banks, newspapers, and religious temples.

Our religion’s scriptures were watered down, spayed, neutered, and added blasphemy into it.
Our businesses were becoming cheap scams.
Our fertile farmland was auctioned off into urban subdivisions to make a buck from outsiders.

They were teaching our children in the schools their language and way of life, erasing our history and culture.
They were spreading immorality in our literature.
The drinks at our bars were nasty with their flavor.
The banks only allowed fiat currency.
The newspapers were full of libel about us.

It was obviously an invasion.

Then, the king signed a law passed by our politicians that it was forbidden to mock and criticize the elephants. Many people were outraged.

As a consequence of the first offense, many frog men and women, including children, had their money taken away from the banks.

For the second offense, they would take their job(s) away, making it unaffordable to own any property and live in poverty.

For the third offense, they will spread libel to ruin your reputation and prevent you from ever holding a job.

For the fourth offense for those who refuse to shut up and still piss off the government, they eventually will arrest you.

The elephants were voted into office, gained all of the seats, and finally gained control of government. After encouraging the king to not have children and retire with the queen with the elephants’ money, they disbanded the monarchy and established a democracy, saying it was good for the people.

They made hundreds of thousands of ridiculous laws and regulations that you couldn’t do anything without taking a piss. The elephants made so many they even forgot the first ones they made.

After the tenth year, we were already becoming a minority when they began inviting other unwelcomed neighbors into our kingdom because the elephants were scared they were going to be voted out. You are probably thinking, why didn’t we stop it? Because most of us didn’t have the balls to stand up to them, we were afraid of going to jail and not seeing our family members again. But the sad part, as my people were under the influence of the elephant’s magic spells in their food and drinks, newspapers, and the creation of the TV that made them fat and lazy to keep them distracted, they didn’t care.

They changed our flag with a brand new one with ugly colors and banned our own flag. They spread lies about it, calling it a flag for radicals who don’t love our new neighbors and government. They even renamed Kekistan to Cuckistan.

We were originally united at one time and had the opportunity to stop it once and for all, but to keep us under control they used the divide-and-rule strategy, by fostering distrust and enmity, turning us against each other, getting us to argue with each other about gender, political/religious beliefs, tribes/clans, hair/eye color, etc. It was terrible, it divided the kingdom so badly that it was horrific seeing family and friends killing each other in the streets and burning their own villages to the ground over the pronunciation of GIF.

So, that’s when we left, I took my family and all we had with us. See, it’s easy getting inside the kingdom, by simply walking across the borders, but getting out was difficult. It was like they didn’t want you to leave. The customs weren’t there for the immigrants, they were there for the emigrants. They asked us, “Why are you leaving comrade? We have nice food, the sweetest drinks, the greatest entertainment, exciting sports, the most trusted news, thousands of jobs, the best healthcare, the richest retirement check, and the friendliest politicians. Where are you going?”

“I rather die, than be a fat-lazy slave!” I said. Customs were shocked and easily angered.

“Well, you better be best on your way, mister. You won’t find nothing better than here. We’re the greatest nation in the world!”

Then I replied, “Yeah, the greatest prison in the world.”

Those were my final words from back home, and they were true as I felt like a prisoner walking toward freedom.

That’s when I settled here in your city. Of course, this place is no better than my old home as it’s just two sides of the same coin.”

Then, Kek stepped more closely in front of Wojak and asked, “Do you now understand what I told you in the alley? What happened to my home is happening to yours.”

“What do you do?”

“Nothing, not a damn thing. All you can do is wait for your civilization to collapse and start from scratch. That’s what happened to mine.”

“Then why didn’t you go back?”

“I did, but there was nothing left. My home was so unrecognizable that it was a total shit stain to my eyes and I couldn’t bare it. The elephants raped and sodomize my home. They sucked it dry with their long trunks like a vampire ‘til there was nothing left.”

“I’m sorry.” said Wojak.

“Don’t feel sorry for me, feel sorry for these NPCs around here who are unaware of what’s going on.”

Then Wojak looked around the bar, he saw people being happy and enjoying themselves. However, he didn’t see people, but slaves under the influence of false reality.



Then the pale man said to the frog, “When you told me the truth in the ally, it reminded me of a dream I had that night. I was chained inside a theater, sitting on a chair, and all I could see in front of me were moving images on the silver screen. I couldn’t see from behind because I couldn’t move and was forced to watch what was in front of me.

I was watching those moving pictures for a long time thinking it was real life and that was reality in front of me.

But sometimes I heard voices and whispers from behind, I didn’t know what it was. But over time, I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t move as I didn’t have the strength. The other prisoners never paid attention and just kept staring at the screen without blanking.

Unlike, the other prisoners, I was the only curious one and wanted to see more than what was in front of me. So, over time, I tried to break the chains and eventually, I did.


And when I got up from the chair, all I saw was empty seats behind me. However, I saw actors performing in front of the lights of the projectors acting as shadow puppets. These actors had strings sewn on their arms and legs being controlled by puppeteers. But I couldn’t see them as they were hiding in the shadows.

I was scared like I wasn’t supposed to see any of this.

Then, I saw you, standing in front of me, wearing a clown suit. You kept staring at me with that smirk and you blew your horn at me. “HONK HONK.”

You made me follow you through the theater and took me outside. I could smell the fresh air for the first time. My eyes were adjusting to the bright light and you made me look at the sun, the clouds, the sky, and all the things around me that were real.

I couldn’t believe it at first, I was in denial, refusing to believe that it was real.

Then I was angry when you showed me the truth and I tried to strangle you, but you were happy and kept honking me.

After my outburst, I was sitting on the beach staring at the shore crying in depression.

Finally, I came to you to apologize and tell you that I had accepted the truth. Then we hugged.


 After accepting the truth, I bravely went back to the theater so I could tell the truth to the other slaves. However, you warned me that it would not be an easy task, but I was too ignorant.

When I entered the theater, I freed the slaves and forced them out of their illusion. However, they were very hostile to me and tried to kill me like a pack of monkeys. They yelled and screamed at me like children saying they wanted to watch their sportsball. The slaves told me not to come back to the theater and disturb them. They went back to their original seats and continued to watch the moving pictures on the screen.

When I woke up from my dream, I was afraid to tell my friends and family the truth in real life.”

Kek responded, “Overtime, they will know. If you give them a hint, they’ll figure it out themselves. But, if they don’t, then they don’t deserve the truth.”


The frog put his hand on his shoulder and said, “It’s going to be okay, friend. Your not the only one. I’m hear for you.”

Then Kek’s boss shows up and says to him, “Hey, Kek. your hour is here.”

“Great, I’ll be there in a minute,” then he says to Wojak, “Did I ever tell you I was also a comedian?”

“No, you didn’t.”

“My people were the artisans of comedy.”

So, Wojak was sitting uncomfortably with a crowd of NPCs waiting for Kek to show up on stage.

Finally, the frog showed up wearing a clown suit and everyone cheered.

Kek picked up the microphone and told his first joke, “Why did the fox cross the road? To snatch the chicken from the other side.”

The NPCs laughed like it was the greatest joke of all time, but Wojak wasn’t laughing as he thought it was boring.


Then he said his second joke, “Why did the bike fall over? It was two tired!”

The NPCs laughed harder like it was hilarious, but Wojak made a cringe face and shook his head. Kek noticed Wojak’s expression.

So, the frog continued to make generic corny jokes to not offend the NPCs, “What did the policeman say to his belly button? You’re under a vest.”

The NPC laughed again for the third time and Wojak made a “meh” face.

So, then, Kek dared himself to push his comedic talent to the limits, “Why are priests called fathers? Because its too suspicious to call them daddy!”

But this time only half of the crowd laughed, and Wojak giggled. This made Kek put a smile on his face, so he kept going. "Recently, my son asked while we were on a NASA field trip, ‘Dad, how do stars die’ - and I said -‘Usually an overdose."

This time, only a quarter laughed and Wojak laughed harder.



This made Kek happier and pushed even further, “What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her? They both are thinking ‘Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

Only 5% of the crowd laughed and Wojak was laughing even harder.

One NPC spoke out and said that’s offensive to pro-lifers and abortionists.

Then Kek replied, “Well, I guess your mama waited too late to aport you then.” Some of the crowd quietly giggled and Wojak was crying of laughter.


Kek said his next joke, “You know, the more suicidal people there are - the less suicidal people there are.”

Then some NPCs began boing and one said, “My brother killed himself because he lost his job.” and then another said, “That’s offensive, my sister killed herself because she was fat.”

Then Kek responded, “Oh, I’m so sorry, I thought she died because of the inflation.”

“Fuck you!”, then the NPC left.

Then as the NPC was leaving, Kek said in a smart-ass way, “I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ means the same thing. Except at a funeral.”

Then the NPC crowd began boing, making Kek smile more and pushing his jokes even further.


“In the middle east, there was this Muslim girl named, Sarah. So, were did little Sarah go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere!”

The NPCs were getting a little more agitated and started booing louder. One of them said,”That’s offensive to the Muslim race! You shouldn’t make fun of the middle-east.”


Then Kek improvised, “She’s from Tatarstan!”

“Where’s that?”

“Russia!”

Then the NPCs looked at each other like robots and were processing their programming logic. One of them said, “Oh yeah, Russia bad! Ha ha, dead Russian girl, good joke. Ha ha.” The NPCs were laughing together, while Wojak had a scared look on his face.

Kek had a few more jokes, “Why did they invent glow in the dark condoms
So gay guys can play star wars!”

While Wojak was laughing, the whole NPC crowd booed and started hissing toward Kek. One of them said, “That’s offensive to gays and Star Wars fans! And I’m both!”

Then Kek replied, “Wow, being gay sounds like a pain in the ass. Don’t ya think? I mean it will give you band-aids.”

This aggravated the NPCs even more and they were being a little aggressive.


Finally, Kek, had one last joke up his sleeve, “Why did the Jew play American football? So, he can get the quarter back.”

While Wojak was laughing his ass off, this joke pinched the NPCs' last nerve and one of them threw a chair near Kek. One NPC said, “We get a little upset when you make fun of Christians, gays, Muslims, women, skin-head patients, and Apache attack helicopters. But when you make fun of Jews, you're crossing the line!”

Another NPC said, “Yeah, don’t make fun of our Jewish masters, we don’t pick cotton for our health, you know!”

Wojak stood up and said loudly, “I want the honk!”

Then Kek said loudly, “You want the honk? You can’t handle the honk!” And the frog honked and all of the NPCs viciously came after Kek.

An hour later, outside the back of the bar, Kek and Wojak were sitting on the street sidewalk. Both were hurt and covered with bandages; Kek had a black eye, and Wojak had a broken nose.

The two were smoking their favorite cigarettes and holding their glass bottles, staring at the streets and gazing at the city lights in the endless night.

They looked at each other, clunked their bottles, and said, “Honk Honk.”