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| Today I bought extra virgin olive oil. After I used it it was just olive oil. |
Once upon a time there was a guy named Virgil who lived in a small apartment and spent most of his days trying to figure out how to be cool. He was the kind of person who practiced conversations in the mirror and still managed to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. His walk was stiff, his clothes were plain, and he always carried a backpack like it was a shield against the world. People called him a virgin behind his back, but he just smiled politely and pretended not to hear.
Then there was Chad. Chad was the opposite of everything. He walked into rooms like he owned them, his hair defied gravity, and he never seemed to try at anything yet everything worked out. People called him Chad Thundercock and he wore the name like a badge of honor. One night at a party Virgil worked up the courage to ask Chad for advice. Chad, in his infinite wisdom, told him the secret to attracting attention was to put a potato in his pocket. “It’s all about confidence,” Chad said, demonstrating with a dramatic gesture. Virgil tried it the very next weekend.
The potato was lumpy. The girls at the party scattered like leaves in a hurricane. Virgil sat on a bench outside feeling smaller than ever. A woman in a red dress sat down next to him. She was older, tired, and crying about how life had passed her by. Virgil listened. He didn’t try any tricks. He just said the right thing at the right time for once in his life.
Three months later Chad cornered Virgil at lunch and demanded to know what had happened. Virgil just smiled and said he wasn’t a virgin anymore. Chad stared. The potato trick had failed spectacularly, but something else had worked. The woman had liked the fact that Virgil was just… Virgil.
The whole thing went on like that for weeks. Virgil kept running into Chad at random places — the gym, the grocery store, the laundromat — and every time Chad would grill him about technique. Virgil would ramble about the weather, the price of bread, the way the light hit the windows in the morning. Chad would flex and talk about his latest conquests. The conversations never went anywhere. They were just two guys circling the same pointless story.
Eventually Virgil realized the whole virgin-versus-Chad thing was just a giant distraction. Life wasn’t about potatoes or perfect hair or dramatic entrances. It was about showing up, listening, and occasionally getting lucky when you least expected it. Chad never quite understood that. He kept strutting around like the world owed him something. Virgil kept being awkward and somehow ended up happier.
And that’s why whenever someone asks me to explain the difference between a virgin and a Chad I just shrug and tell them the longest, most pointless story possible. Because in the end it doesn’t matter who wins the comparison. The only thing that really matters is whether you remembered to take the potato out of your pocket before the party started. Or maybe it was never about the potato at all.
Who knows?
The end.
Image © A.E. Firestone | Text © Storyteller
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