🐻 NSFW: Bob and Frank, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

 

Two guys, Bob and Frank, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, when Frank's stomach begin to grumble loudly.

"Are you alright?" asks Bob.

"I'm fine, let's just keep... Oh my god!" Frank exclaims as his belly rumbles loudly. He grabs his midsection and doubles over.

"What's the matter?"

"Man, I think I really need to take a shit."

"Well, pop into the bushes and take care of it, I'll stay here and keep butchering."

"Hey, man, thanks. I'll be back in a flash," Frank says, and crab walks into the bushes while Bob resumes butchering the bear. Bob slices away at the bear, peeling back it's hide, then pulls the gut sac out and stands up, wondering what's taking Frank so long.

"Hey Frank, I sure wouldn't mind some help out here! You about done?" Bob hollers into the brush.

"Just a minute more!" Frank hollers back, as he strains away. But Frank's bowels will not release, despite the immense pressure in his belly. Bob grumbles a bit as he starts working on a forequarter. He slices away, separating the quarter from the carcass.

As Bob finishes the first quarter, he yells again into the brush, "Yo Frank, for real man, hurry the fuck up! I ain't gonna butcher this entire bear by myself!"

"Almost done!" Frank shouts back, except that he hasn't done anything; Frank's bowels are as full as ever, and his colon stays obstinately closed.

Bob grumbles some more as he moves on to the next forequarter, and starts to cut. Then he stops and thinks, "I bet Frank's playing me for a fool, letting me do all this work while he pretends to take the world's longest shit. I think I'll help motivate the fucker." So Bob gathers up the gut sac from the bear, and sneaks into the bushes where Frank went. He crawls up behind Frank, and deposits the entrails right behind him, thinking that the stench will drive Frank from the bushes. Then he creeps back to the bear, to resume butchering.

Just then, Frank's bowels finally unclench, and Frank let's loose the largest shit he's ever taken; the movement rocks Frank to his very soul, leaves him with tears running down his face and gasping for air. Shaken, Frank finishes his business, and as he goes to hike up his britches, he sees the bear's gut pile.

Shortly thereafter, Billy comes crab walking out of the bushes, back to Bob and the bear. Bob doesn't look up as he finishes the second quarter, just drawls sarcastically, "It's about fucking time Frank. What were you doing back there, writing your goddamn memoirs? I'm halfway done with this bear, and I've half a mind to make you finish the..."

"Forget the fucking bear, Bob!" Frank interrupts, "You need to get me to a goddamn hospital!"

Bob looks up and sees Frank's face, paper white and drenched with sweat. Frank is shaking badly, and holding his britches up with one hand. Bob exclaims, "Holy shit, Bill! What happened to you?!"

"I was having the hardest time taking a shit, you know, but I just kept pushing and pushing until it fucking blew. And Bob," Frank says, sweat and tears pours down his face, "I pushed so hard I shit my fucking guts out!"

Bob's hand flies to his face as he tries to hold back his laughter. He grins at Frank, and says while trying not to choke, "Frank, you dumb redneck, those were..."

Frank keeps talking though, cutting Bob off to continue, "I managed to shove 'em back up in there, but you need to get me to a fucking hospital, Bob! I don't know how long I can hold 'em in!"

Image: ©Æ Firestone/Storyteller - Original Author: Zagmut