What I want written on my tombstone: "Not appreciating puns was a grave mistake."
This article is Not Safe for Work and contains dark humor that may not be suitable for some.
A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.
This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"
The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"
The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes in: "Let's catch a cat, let's torture it, and then let's kill it!"
The necrophile adjusts the front of his pants and grins: "Let's catch a cat, let's torture it, let's kill it, and then let's have some fun with its corpse!"
Toying with his lighter, the pyromaniac replies: "Let's catch a cat, let's torture it, let's kill it, let's have some fun with its corpse, and then let's burn it!"
The masochist is quiet for a moment.
Then he says:
"Meow."
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Is your refrigerator running? Then you better go catch it!
The man chased his refrigerator down, never realizing that it was a trap. When he finally cornered the refrigerator in the alley, he never even suspected that he had been surrounded by 5 other refrigerators. He was in for a rape. The refrigerators held the man down and sodomized him with all of their contents - bananas, ice cubes, sausages, corn on the cob... even Mama's homemade Enchiladas.
The man was never heard from again...
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A girl is walking through a cemetery at night
She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.
Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.
She screams and starts running down the path. After a while she stops to catch her breath. “This is silly” she thinks to herself “there must be a rational explanation.”
She slowly retraces her steps and walks towards the direction of the sound - tap, tap, tap.
There, sitting on a grave, is a gentle old man with a small hammer and chisel. He is tapping out an inscription on the tombstone.
“Phew! You scared me” the girl says, relieved upon seeing him. “What are you carving there?”
The old man turns to her and smiles. “I’m just correcting the spelling of my name”
Haha. He must have been a ghost writer, Correcting a grave mistake...
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A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.
He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.
The man asked his son, "Son, what did you do after school today?"
The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework", and the robot slapped the son.
The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends".
The father asked, "What was the movie?"
The son said, "Star Wars, Episode 5". The robot slapped the son. The son stammered "Okay it was Showgirls".
The father laughed, "Ugh, I would never watch movies like that". The robot slapped the dad.
The mom laughed, "He certainly is your son". The robot slapped the mom.
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A child psychologist had twin boys, one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.
In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
“What’s wrong?” the father asked.
“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.
Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of manure.
“Why are you so happy?” he asked.
The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
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