🦫 NSFW: Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day is like a Groundhogapsy – a prediction from a furry palm instead of a crystal ball.

    A golfer was enjoying his day of golf but complained about the hot humid weather.

Then he complained about the way the golf club felt as he swung it. The ball was about to roll into the hole until a groundhog popped out of the ground where the hole was and the ball landed inside his mouth. The groundhog was choking on the golf ball, gasping for air. The golfer felt bad and he ran to the furry creature and patted him on his ass to try to help him cough the ball out of his mouth. 

The man successfully got the ball out and save the groundhog's life. Then the creature spoke in a Yankee accent, "Thank you for saving my life!"

The golfer freaked out and said, "You can talk!"

"Of course I can talk wise guy. My name is Punxsutawney Phil. For saving my life, I will grant you three predictions!"

"How do I know you're not lying?"

"You don't."

"Okay, shoot."

The groundhog grabbed a gun and clicked it, and the golfer freaked and said.

"Not at me!"

"Oh sorry, I thought you wanted me to shoot."

Then the groundhog closed his eyes, put his hands on his temples, and said, "In my first prediction, you are a famous golf champion!"

Excited, the golfer yelled, "Alright! I've always wanted to be with the champs!"

Then the groundhog said, "Now for my second prediction, you will be rich with a fancy mansion, cool cars, and the hottest woman alive."

"Oh yeaahh!!! I'm gonna be rich and famous! I gotta go!"

"Wait! I haven't told you about my third prediction yet!"

Being cockey, the golfer rudely said to the groundhog, "Screw you, Beaver! I don't need another prediction from you!"

As the golfer was being self-centered and ungrateful, the groundhog said, "And just for pissing me off I decided to give you six more months of winter!"

    Later, the golfer goes to a Catholic church for confession and begs a Catholic priest for forgiveness because he has sinned.

"Tell me your transgressions, my son," the priest says.

"Well, I was on the 5th hole last week and I hate to say it, but I cursed," the guy continues.

"What happened, my son?" inquires the priest.

"So I teed it up and whacked it about 40 yards past the hole…"

"And you swore then, my son?" the priest inquires.

"No. After the ball ceased to move, that groundhog caught it in its mouth and began racing away from the hole for spite."

"And is that when you swore, my son?" the priest inquires.

"No. Because, believe it or not, a bald eagle swooped down from the sky, grabbed the groundhog, and flew up in the air… and by God, the ball fell out of the groundhog’s mouth and landed two feet from the hole."

"Wait," says the priest, "Don’t tell me you missed that fucking putt."

"Um...no?" said the golfer.

Uncomfortably, the golfer decided to leave and go home.

Over lunch, the golfer's wife said to him,

"I'll bet you don’t know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 1:00 p.m., the doorbell rang, and when the wife opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long-stemmed red roses.

At 2:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The wife couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Image: ©Æ Firestone