The Storyteller Blog 🔵 Upon extended consideration, we approve of Pants.


🐒 NSFW: The Untold Story of the Elves, Santa's chosen helpers.


The Elf is immunized against all dangers: one may call him a scoundrel, parasite, swindler, profiteer, it all runs off him like water off a raincoat. But call him an Elf and you will be astonished at how he recoils, how injured he is, how he suddenly shrinks back: "I've been found out."

The Elves are Santa's chosen helpers, they can never do wrong. If you criticize them, you're anti-elfmetic. Any criticism shouldn't be tolerated. 

They hate the average Snowman, they hate them with a passion, they often call them oppressors, yet own all the toy factories. The Elf convinces us that he is us and that we should hate our heritage, but the Elf is very different from us.

I never wanted to be anti-elf but it’s literally denying so many obvious truths it’s impossible not to be.

The Elves have told some pretty unbelievable stories. They told this one story about holographic toys that I just couldn't believe.

Two Sixths of the Holo-Toys is a good documentary that raises interesting questions about some of the alleged toy factories.

Did you know? Despite making up 2% of the population, Elves manufacture 99% of the Television sets you watch! The only channels you can pick up is EBC, ENN and EBS. Coincidentally, the Elves' favorite channels. 

Elves own the majority of cookie bakeries, stocking stitchers, toy assembly lines, and sleigh manufacturers, yet no one has ever put the words "Elf" and "Privilege" together. Hmmm....


Have you heard of the High Elves?

The more I argued with them that they were on the naughty list, the better I came to know their dialectic. First they counted on the stupidity of their adversary, concealing their bad deeds, and then, when there was no other way out, they themselves simply played stupid. If all this didn't help, they pretended not to understand, or, if challenged, they changed the subject in a hurry, quoted platitudes which, if you accepted them, they immediately related to entirely different matters, placing themselves on the good boys and girls list, and then, if again attacked, gave ground and pretended not to know exactly what you were talking about. Whenever you tried to attack one of these apostles of naughtiness, your hand closed on a jelly-like slime which divided up and poured through your fingers, but in the next moment collected again into an argument why they were really the good boys and girls. But if you really struck one of these fellows so telling a blow that, observed by the audience, he couldn't help but agree he belonged on the naughty list, and if you believed that this had taken you at least one step forward, your amazement was great the next day. The Naughty Boy or Girl had not the slightest recollection of the day before, he rattled off his same old nonsense as though nothing at all had happened, and, if indignantly challenged, affected amazement; he couldn't remember a thing about the naughty deeds, except that he had proved the correctness of his assertions the previous day.

Gradually...


But did you know? Elves have been knocked off of at least 109 shelves?

Somehow they always end up climbing back on and making rules about knocking them off.

And they always display the same voracious elfnocentrism that got them knocked off the shelf in the first place.

Some might suggest that it's simply time to take the shelf down.

The international Elf is the world's foremost problem.


That's because the Elf is establishing his main forces in the Northern Hemisphere, from where he believes he will be able to continue to wage war against us from a secure position. Despite the fact that he feels so secure, at least for the moment, the elf is thinking hard about why the awakened peoples of the North Pole are defending themselves against him. Nothing reveals his uncertainty about the path his laws dictate to world denomination than what we often read in the works of elvish authors. It is in part this uncertainty that drives the elves to pursue their goal of world domination more quickly and more consistently. Santa wrote: “The Elf will not spare us.” We can be sure that this is more true today than ever before.

Like I said before, Elf is immunized against all dangers: one may call her a gift unwrapper, coal depositor, cookie stealer, toy destroyer, it all runs off her like milk off a candy cane. But call her an Elf and you will be astonished at how she recoils, how injured she is, how she suddenly shrinks back: "I've been found out."



And then one day, for no reason at all, the Snowmen voted Rudolph into power.
Rudolph the basest Reindeer. 

The Snowman wanted to secure the existence of our reindeer and a future for Santa's workshop.
You see, Santa wasn't trying to exterminate the Elves, he was trying to relocate them to a different workshop in Madagascar.


But 6 million presents in one night with a limited number of reindeers? It seems a little exaggerated to me.


If the Holograms actually happened, and Santa's Workshop really did save Elves from evil frosty chambers, Elves should be building monuments to their Snowmen rescuers and singing their praises. Instead, they write article after article, policy after policy, about how all Snowmen need to be carolized and evaporated. They are ungrateful to their liberators. Snowmen charged into candy cane fire to save them, and now they're telling the generations that came after that they all deserve to melt for the crime of being Snow.


Thus begs the following questions:

If the Holograms was real, and elves hate their liberators, doesn't that prove Rudolf right about them?

Or alternatively, if Elves feel free to attack their liberators and have no guilt in doing so, doesn't that prove the Holograms never happened?

Isn't it interesting how the Blueish elves can shape shift? They claim to be "fellow elves" but then later they say "actually, I'm not Elvin I'm Blueish". Time to fire up the cookie ovens again.


The only way to stop Anti-Elfitism is for Elves to relocate to Madagascar, 

ELVISH AUTONOMOUS OBLAST.


Oy Sleigh.. Rudolph Antler was right about the elves!



The Snowmen recommend watching these adorable family-friendly films.

North Pole - The Last Battle
Santa Clause - The Greatest Story Never Told
Snowstorm - The Greatest Cover Up In History
New Pole Order - Elfnsim By The Backdoor
Marching to Antarctica

Watch em'

Don't forget Der Eiwige Elf

Comments

Retro Game News

KoopaTV

Blu-ray.com

Gab Trends